The Curious Believer

Emotional Intelligence—what is it, and when did it become so popular? Like many beliefs that are no more than strong opinions, I’m sure the beliefs around this question are highly debatable. However, research shows that the topic gained much of its traction in the 1990s, specifically following the release of Daniel Goleman’s book, “Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ.” Selling over 5 million copies it’s worthy of its place among the best books in America (1). However, what if there was an already-established text with an explanation and understanding of emotional intelligence already in existence, instructing and guiding human beings in their daily lives? I’m speaking, of course, about the most powerful text in existence, The Word of God.

The Modern Definition

Before we jump into the main point of revealing emotional intelligence within Ephesians 4:29, I feel it’s important to lay a foundation & provide a brief understanding of how emotional intelligence is defined today. After all Psalms 11:3 tells us—if the foundations are destroyed, what can the righteous do(2). So, foundations are obviously important. Merriam-Webster defines emotional intelligence as—the ability to recognize, understand, and deal skillfully with one’s own emotions and the emotions of others—as by regulating one’s emotions or by showing empathy and good judgment in social interactions (3). A more focused article by John D. Mayer & Peter Salovey defines emotional intelligence as this—a type of social intelligence that involves the ability to monitor one’s own and others’ emotions, to discriminate among them, and to use the information to guide one’s thinking and actions (Salovey & Mayer, 1990) (4). To put it in layman’s terms, emotional intelligence simply involves recognizing how you feel as well as how others feel, and controlling your responses to those feelings so that you don’t do or say anything damaging to those who made you feel that way. It is commonly summed up into four domains: self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, & relationship management (5). Let’s take a look at each one individually.

Self-Awareness is considered the primo of the four domains. The proverbial cream of the crop so to speak. It simply means being aware of who you are, how you feel, & why you feel the way you do before you respond with any action or word. You can liken it to what Jesus said in Mark 4:13 NKJV— “Do you not understand this parable? How then will you understand all the parables? (6). This means it is not only a very important step, but the foundational step. So important that a five-year study was done which revealed that although 95% of people feel they’re self-aware only 10 to 15% actually are (7). That’s an exceedingly significant statistic which should indicate why this is the starting point of all the domains. Consequentially, success in your life for emotional intelligence is much like success in any other area of your life—it starts with you.

Self-Management is the formal description for “Whoosah”. It is the clutch that disengages you from your emotions when someone is pressing your buttons & flipping your switches at the same time. Defined officially as—management by oneself of oneself or one’s affairs (8). Lacking self-management is representative of a short fuse combined with a quick trigger. Not only are you prone to rapid emotional escalation but you are also quick to respond out of those emotions with no thought to the impact of your words or actions. Even though self-awareness is considered the foundation of all the domains, the consequences associated with a lack of self-management can weigh heavier than most would ever desire to pay. Proverbs 14:17 CEB says—short-tempered people make stupid mistakes, and schemers are hated (9). The costliness of a deficiency in self-management can be measured by the amount of esteem that’s afforded to one who is successful at it. Proverbs 16:32 NKJV says—He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city (10). Better than the mighty & greater than one who takes a city, those are some high-level endorsements. Clear examples that the pathway to emotional intelligence may carry a high cost, but also warrants a great reward.

Social Awareness

Now let’s look at the external domains of the emotional intelligence spectrum. Sitting in the next slot is Social Awareness. The famed “room readers”. Often defined as possessing the ability to recognize the emotions of others as well as how they potentially may respond in a given situation. Social Awareness is only mentioned after self-awareness because it is an external domain, though no less important. People displaying this ability tend to have high levels of empathy, which is a very important soft skill to possess. It is widely praised by organizations throughout the workforce as one of the most sought-after skills for both leadership and team members (11).  The reason social awareness is so important is because it sits at the starting point of knowing what to do & how to do it in order to obtain the best possible outcome. For example, using a sarcastic response to a person who is clearly escalated could have catastrophic results. Likewise, an abrasive & condescending statement to someone who is already in a melancholy state may prove to be just as detrimental to their well-being. As it is stated in Proverbs 15:1 NKJV—a soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger (12). It is paramount that we are careful to observe before we respond to prevent damage to all parties involved.

Relationship Management

We have now arrived at the capstone of the emotional intelligence pyramid, Relationship Management. This is what truly defines a leader. Successful relationship management can always be identified by the level of influence that an individual carries. This is why it sits at the top because all other parts must be mastered before you can ever attempt to master relationship management. After all, if you cannot manage yourself, how can you possibly hope to manage others? If you are not aware of your own emotions and feelings then what hope do you have to be aware of another’s? The answers are you can’t and none. Mastering emotional intelligence is essential when it comes to being a successful communicator and influencer. It potentially opens the path to changing the world around you for the good of everyone you encounter. Now, where does Ephesians fit into all of this? I’m glad you asked.

The Word

Ephesians 4:29 AMP states: Do not let unwholesome, foul, profane, worthless, vulgar words ever come out of your mouth, but only such speech as is good for building up others, according to the need and the occasion, so that it will be a blessing to those who hear you speak (13). When we analyze this scripture, it is easy to see what is being said. “Do not let” can easily be summed up into the word regulate. “But only”—whenever you see the conjunction “but” it clearly indicates that what follows will be in direct contrast to whatever was presented before it. That being said, this is an understood & perfect representation of regulating how you feel—considering the impact—controlling the actions. If this does not sound remarkably familiar, let’s recap. Based on the aforementioned definitions of emotional intelligence we know that it involves recognizing, regulating, monitoring, understanding, & exercising sound judgment (3, 4). With that truth both accumulated and assimilated we can now integrate it and see Ephesians 4:29 more clearly as this—do not ever allow unwholesome,  foul, profane, worthless, or vulgar words to ever come out of your mouth; instead, assess the situation by monitoring both your and other’s emotions (self-awareness & social-awareness), & after you have regulated your emotions (self-management) and determined among them the best possible outcome, use these types of words instead; only words that are good for building up others, based on the need & the occasion so that it will be empowerment to those who hear you speak (empathy, influence & edification). In doing this you will have also assessed and regulated the emotions of others, as well as established foundations for future beneficial relationships (relationship management). Is God not awesome in every way? How is it that when we come into the knowledge of truth, we so often make the mistake of thinking it was our discovery instead of realizing that we were simply void of understanding? It would appear that the late Alexander Pope was indeed correct, “To err is human, to forgive, divine” (14).

In Conclusion

I never grow weary of spending time with The Father as this is how and where I get my most intimate questions answered. It’s so easy to forget just how much wisdom can be contained in one scripture. Millions of books, pamphlets, & articles alike exist on the subject of emotional intelligence yet the truth has been with us the whole time. Seeking knowledge is never a bad thing, but why not seek it directly from the source of all knowledge and wisdom? Colossians 2:1-3 specifically informs us that The Word contains all knowledge and wisdom (15), yet still we traverse uncertain pathways for that which already exists and is established. While we often assign names and titles to categories of life emotional intelligence could easily be summed up by simply obeying Ephesians 4:29. Jesus is the perfect representation of what The Father desires from all human beings. We were created and made in His image, but our bodies were formed from the earth. So often we choose the low road, by ignoring our “created” self and choosing to operate according to our “formed” self, and in doing so we miss out on so much of what God has planned for our lives. I encourage you to draw near to The Father and discover just how magnificent you are as one who is created & made in His image & likeness. Be Blessed!

Sources

1. John Brockman. March 19, 2025. Daniel Goleman. https://www.edge.org/memberbio/daniel_goleman#:~:text=As%20a%20science%20journalist%2C%20Goleman,emotional%20intelligence%20plays%20in%20excellence..
2. https://lifebible.com/bible/Psalm+11:3+NKJV?skip=1
3. “Emotional intelligence.” Merriam-Webster.com Dictionary, Merriam-Webster, https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/emotional%20intelligence. Accessed 19 Mar. 2025.
4. John Mayer & Peter Salovey. 1993. The Intelligence of Emotional Intelligence. p. Volume 17, Issue 4 https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/0160289693900103.
5. Lauren Landry. April 3, 2019. Why Emotional Intelligence Is Important in Leadership. https://online.hbs.edu/blog/post/emotional-intelligence-in-leadership.
6. https://lifebible.com/bible/Mark+4:13+NKJV?skip=1
7. Tasha Eurich. October 19, 2018. Working with People Who Aren’t Self-Aware. https://hbr.org/2018/10/working-with-people-who-arent-self-aware.
8. “Self-management.” Merriam-Webster.com Dictionary, Merriam-Webster, https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/self-management. Accessed 22 Mar. 2025.
9. https://lifebible.com/bible/Proverbs+14:17+CEB?skip=1
10. https://lifebible.com/bible/Proverbs+16:32+NKJV?skip=1
11. William Gentry. Todd Weber. Golnaz Sadri. 2016. Empathy in the Workplace A Tool for Effective Leadership. p. 1 – 16. https://cclinnovation.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/empathyintheworkplace.pdf.
12. https://lifebible.com/bible/Proverbs+15:1+NKJV?skip=1
13. https://lifebible.com/bible/Ephesians+4:29+AMP?skip=1
14. Alexander Pope. 1709. An Essay on Criticism. p.15. http://olympos.cz/Antika/Uceni/Sarkissian/Pope.pdf.
15. https://lifebible.com/bible/Colossians+2:1-3+NKJV?skip=1